WARNING: This post is about to become HIGHLY IRREVERENT and should not be read by people who can be offended. I am agnostic and have nothing against those who practice religion religiously. I’ve debated with myself since November whether I wanted to post this or not. It might be something I think is funny when I say it that comes out reprehensible when I write it down. Just in case you’re wondering if I actually edit what I put up here.
Here’s my new religion: Pisstianity (named by a Rich Friend I know). We believe that God is all-powerful, omniscient and omnipresent. As a result, He is to blame for everything.
Get cut off trying to get on the freeway this morning? Blame God. It’s His fault. Are you pissed about something today, brother? Share it with us, no matter how small or petty. (For our Aussie friends, that’s “pissed” as in angry or upset, not “pissed” as in drunk.)
Our services consist of people standing to vent an angry spleen about some minor mishap and then the preacher says, “Who is to blame for this transgression?” The congregation responds, “BLAME GOD!”
We know who’s responsible. It’s God, that Meddling Motherfucker. Why the hell can’t He leave us alone? Don’t worry children, you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just that damned God, poking His nose into everybody’s life and screwing things up.
After all, He’s all-powerful and everywhere at once. Doesn’t that mean He could have stopped me from spilling mustard on my new jeans? WHY WON’T HE HELP US? Does He work in mysterious ways? Not to us! It’s clear He’s out to get us and make our lives miserable. He could be making things easier, but He just doesn’t have the time. What a hooplehead!
It’s a great way to get through the day. Drop your coffee cup and break it? Blame God! Delete the wrong file at work? It’s God’s fault!
The way I quote myself works is not entirely understood.