Pisstianity.

WARNING: This post is about to become HIGHLY IRREVERENT and should not be read by people who can be offended. I am agnostic and have nothing against those who practice religion religiously. I’ve debated with myself since November whether I wanted to post this or not. It might be something I think is funny when I say it that comes out reprehensible when I write it down. Just in case you’re wondering if I actually edit what I put up here.

Here’s my new religion: Pisstianity (named by a Rich Friend I know). We believe that God is all-powerful, omniscient and omnipresent. As a result, He is to blame for everything.

Get cut off trying to get on the freeway this morning? Blame God. It’s His fault. Are you pissed about something today, brother? Share it with us, no matter how small or petty. (For our Aussie friends, that’s “pissed” as in angry or upset, not “pissed” as in drunk.)

Our services consist of people standing to vent an angry spleen about some minor mishap and then the preacher says, “Who is to blame for this transgression?” The congregation responds, “BLAME GOD!”

We know who’s responsible. It’s God, that Meddling Motherfucker. Why the hell can’t He leave us alone? Don’t worry children, you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just that damned God, poking His nose into everybody’s life and screwing things up.

After all, He’s all-powerful and everywhere at once. Doesn’t that mean He could have stopped me from spilling mustard on my new jeans? WHY WON’T HE HELP US? Does He work in mysterious ways? Not to us! It’s clear He’s out to get us and make our lives miserable. He could be making things easier, but He just doesn’t have the time. What a hooplehead!

It’s a great way to get through the day. Drop your coffee cup and break it? Blame God! Delete the wrong file at work? It’s God’s fault!

The way I quote myself works is not entirely understood.

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7 Responses to Pisstianity.

  1. Jason says:

    I liked the comedian who said:

    “Sports figures always thank God whenever they win. What about the losers? Why don’t they say, ‘Yeah, we were doing great. Until Jesus made me fumble!'”

    If athletes who win can thank God, then the ones who lose should curse God. You should try and convert the New England Patriots, I’m sure you’d find a lot of new members.

  2. Brad says:

    I find it funny that those who believe in fate or a higher power guiding them still look both ways before crossing the street.

  3. dave(id) says:

    they (believers) will say that god puts challenges and temptation in our lives to test our faith. It’s like he builds each of us our own little Super Mario 3 game to finish. If I find a way to get 100 lives on level 3 without screwing someone else’s game up, than I’m gonna take it.

    Me, I enjoy controlling my own destiny and taking responsibility for when I fuck up.

  4. Kindralas says:

    Of course, do you actually take responsibility when you fuck up? See, now, that’s the question. As for what Jason said, it’s entirely a matter of perception. Notice how there are two athletes consistently in the news who say things like “yeah, I’m fucking awesome,” and how reviled they are. Athletes thank god when they win and they take blame when they lose because everyone hates people who blame everyone else.

    There are athletes that do the opposite, and everyone hates them.

    I love that quote, by the way, Brad.

  5. Bpaul says:

    Pissianity is an internally consistent theology — more than I can say about most world religions ATM.

  6. Girard says:

    OMG

    is there a place that I can donate money to your cause?

  7. George Haberberger says:

    I would have posted something about this yesterday but I was in church all day.

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