Movies That Stink

I often begin to watch a movie or TV series and find that after 20 or 30 minutes, I can’t stand it anymore. I realize that part of this is watching them on television, since it’s not like I have journeyed to a far-off cinema palace and paid exorbitant prices to hear other moviegoers cough and talk and text. That kind of experience requires a certain willpower and commitment.

Maybe I should make a list of these Movies That Stink, and warn away my readers who may be wondering about them. The poster boy for this crusade happens to be The Pentaverate from Mike Myers. I single this out because I tried to endure one more episode, but when the Sasquatch defecated in the hall a second time, that was the last straw. It’s terrible. Don’t watch it. If you ever thought Myers was funny, he’s not now, and this will ruin everything.

The Peacemaker (1997)

As I meander through the oeuvre of Nicole Kidman, I have watched this dud. Weird thing to me is that Kidman’s accent drops a little more than usual, and her American is normally excellent. Maybe no dialect coach. Anyway, skip this one.

The White Lotus (TV Series 2021-2022)

I didn’t like this for so many reasons. Pick your favorite:

• Stupid tease at the very start was not worth the trip.
• Non-white poor people have calamities and are never heard from again.
• Rich American white people being bad to each other.
• People making choices with absolutely no thought to their consequences.
• Story was like a screenplay with no plot that kept vomiting up stupid scenes.
• Alexandra Daddario can’t act. Again.

On that last point, I swear that this woman is gorgeous in so many ways, and may have the most beautiful eyes on the planet. But she cannot use these things to show emotion, and they just look like headlights that are always on high beam. Again, she gets a chance with a role that has depth, and just tanks it. I can’t bear to watch anymore. (I probably will, though.)

Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! (1989)

HBO Max says it’s a “movie I might like.” Sounds like a trashy 60s movie. I click to see who’s in it, and the Criterion logo starts up. Whoa. What the heck?

A mental patient is released and brutally kidnaps a former porn star to show her how much she loves him. I’d like to spoil the ending here because it’s a shitty movie and I don’t want you to watch it. But I won’t.

This is one of the three movies that made the MPAA create the NC-17 rating. It doesn’t deserve an X rating, it’s not porn. The Criterion Collection evidently thinks that makes it important. Perhaps.

365 Days: This Day (2022)

Success breeds sequels, even if the first installment wasn’t any good at all. This is the first movie that made me question my star rating system; I need some negative stars or razzies or bomb icons.

The first 30 minutes of this movie is a series of honeymoon musical sex montages. Nothing important happens at all until 60 minutes into the movie. The conclusion is ridiculous and puzzling.

The sex scenes try hard to be kinky and alternative but just come off as looking dumb. I pretty much laughed all the way through this movie, and it is not a comedy.

I can only hope that the death of one of the main characters in the finale means I don’t have to try to watch another one of these movies.

365 Days (2020)

This Polish-made Netflix movie was the most popular international streaming movie for many weeks. A fascinating statistic, since it’s not a very good movie at all.

The plot can best be described as “pedestrian.” The movie proceeds like a four-day string of soap opera episodes. It’s a little violent here and there, with lots of Italian Mafia tropes to fulfill.

What this movie does deliver on in spades is soft-core porn. Every review I’ve found has compared it to the Fifty Shades movies. I haven’t watched any of those, but evidently many viewers are unhappy because the sex scenes from the Fifty Shades books were toned down for those movies. 365 Days seems to fill some kind of void in the lives of those who read Fifty Shades and didn’t like those movies.

Windfall (2022)

I now get less excited about new Netflix movies, because most of them are like this one. Boring, slow, trying to be clever, and failing at that. The premise seems to be interesting at first, but you will be hoping that the movie ends soon before they are done. There is a “twist” ending which was neither surprising nor interesting. I don’t recommend this one.

The Adam Project (2022)

This month’s big-star fluffy movie from Netflix. I appreciate that these come with my subscription, and I watch them and enjoy them, but like cotton candy, they soon disappear.

Despite the fact that I hate time-travel stories, this one is kind of cute. The best performance in the movie is from Walker Scobell, but also you have Deadpool and The Hulk, and they’re personable. Great headline from a review: “The Netflix Algorithm Spews Out Hollow, Formless, Sci-Fi Adventure.” Save that, you’ll be using that again.

The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window (TV Series 2022)

This show is dumb. It takes goofy plot twists for no particular reason, and everybody in the story does stupid things. Kristen turns in a great performance, including existential dread and screaming and opening wine bottles. You can skip this. Bingo.

Eternals (2021)

The good news is that I was right when I judged this not life-threatening theater-worthy. The bad news is that it’s not a good movie.

I admit, when any character says they’re 5,000 years old and created by some ancient robot, I’m out. I want to read stories about humans dealing with weird people, not the other way around.

This movie is a great example of what The Avengers might have been without four preceding movies to introduce the characters. It’s like Ocean’s Eleven, except that you have to explain (1) what planet they came from, (2) what powers each one has, (3) where they’ve been hiding for eleventy thousand years, and (4) oh jeez lots of other boring stuff.

As action movies go, this is a real talk fest. I never liked Jack Kirby’s ideas of what gods should look like, and like I said, I don’t want to read about gods anyway. Your mileage may vary, but I’d say avoid like the plague. You know how to do that now, don’t you?